I remember the first time I saw Javier Bardem in a movie – he was playing a gay Cuban poet. He seemed suave, charming, breathtaking, you wanted to take him home (or a park, or a car, or any other place where intercourse could be practiced) and just, you know, do stuff to him....with him. With or without his consent. Somewhere, at a 20 minute mark in that particular movie, I made a vow: to watch whatever he makes since he can do no wrong.
Wrong.
I remember the first time I watched Nip/Tuck. It seemed shocking, contraversial, insane. Doctor Christian Troy had that raw sexuality that simply glues you to the screen. I was on vacation in Greece and, let me tell you, I made sure that I was in that apartment at 20:00 just so I could watch it. Somewhere, during episode 2, I made a vow: download it, watch all the seasons, Ryan Murphy as a director and creator of the show knows what he’s doing.
Wrong again.
Julia Roberts? Well, now, let’s just skip the whole pretty woman/girl next door/huge teeth/Eric Roberts rules scenario right now.
Apparently, this bullshit was based on a book. Self-help book. One of those that tell you it’s completely fine to go travel for a year and spend all your money since you’re a well-to-do American and you can. Who cares what Italy has to offer. What, you’re in Rome? Hell, sightseeing is so overrated. Just go and eat. A lot. And make sure that camera sees every fucking little bite you make, every irritating chewing sound, every lick of your tongue crossing over your teeth. And that’s basically what it’s all about in its first hour of pure boredom. With sporadical lines about Italian men and their lust – too bad we don’t get to see it. Oh, wait, lust for food counts? Nope. Thought so.
Then you have about forty minutes in India where Julia prays. And, man, does she pray! I don’t understand Hollywood’s opsession with buddhism. Scientology is another matter – that’s just plain crazy. This Hindu thing is simply way too predictable and way too peace-to-the-mankind-embrace-your-true-self-through-meditation crappy. At this point you start to think: is Bardem having a cameo here?!
And then, boom! Here he comes. She’s somewhere in Indonesia, Thailand, who the hell cares at this point...trying to love. Javier almost runs her over. You wish he really did. Desperately. He’s Brasilian, she’s completely clueless about everything – sex ensues. He wants a permanent relationship, she is thoroughly fucked up (probably because of all that praying). Anyways, blah, blah, two and a half hours later – happy end.
You get to think – Bardem. Seriously. After Almodovar, Mar Adentro, Marquez and an Oscar, this is what you decide to do?! Porque?! What valid reason is there? Sure, you’re going to be a dad and you need the money, Spain is facing bancrupcy, one must take care of one’s economic issues. Also, you’re loosing your looks, which is always a shame. I guess when you combine the two, you get that harrowing need to shoot whatever shit comes your way.
I just recently realized that after Nip/Tuck, Ryan Murphy went and made Glee. Had I known that earlier, this movie would not have been in my DVD player infecting whatever it touches. Including my intellect – it is still in remission.
2 out of 10. And that’s putting it mildly.
