Not to be a prude, and a bitch at the same time (I'm usually saving it for later on in the reviews), but here's a short retrospective of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp collaborations:
Edward Scissorhands (lovely in that '80's sort of way), Ed Wood (good), Sleepy Hollow (ok), Corpse Bride (uhm....), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (bullshit), Alice in Wonderland (major bullshit), Sweeney Todd (above bullshit) and Dark Shadows (since the adjectives are given in a descending value, take a guess where this one's rating's at).
Here's what I learnt in life - every good relationship turns into sour one eventually. Burton-Depp has been going on for, what, 22 years? Break up, you two, honeymoon's been long over. Give it a rest, for god's sake. Shouldn't the latest flop be evidence enough?!
I swear, I couldn't figure out if Dark Shadows was aimed at spitting into the audience's face as a Burton's mash of absolutely everything he has ever done, thus plastering it onto the screen and giving the viewers one big, juicy, in your face, fuck off of a lifetime? Or, did he actually think it's all good, all great, all amazing?
Being a remake of a show from the '60's is one thing, but being this fucking bad is another - and what's so awesome about it is that you can't tell who was worse in it: Johnny, Michelle Pfeifer, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Lee Miller....and the list goes on and on. The actual highlight of its trashiness, do you even doubt it?, comes at a point when Burton decides to put Alice Cooper in it, just to spice things up - in a bad combo a la John Waters.
I was horrified - and I usually enjoy being horrified. This time, it was the type of horrified that makes you ask for your money back. Too bad that where I live, there are no refunds.
5 out of 10 - and that's being generous.