Oh, Johnny....oh, oh, oh, Johnny.Let me take this new approach to my reviewing - this movie simply begs me to. Logistically speaking, here's what I have a problem with (aside from the fact that this movie was ever made to start with):
1. IMDb clearly says that this is action/drama/thriller. Yeah, guess what - it so isn't. Romantic comedy would be appropriate although there are barely any laughs in it and as far as sentiments go, check no2.
2. Depp and Jolie do not a couple make. Anybody said zero chemistry? That would be stretching it far. Watching them on screen together make this December day even colder than it already is.
3. Here's a suggestion, costume designers: how about NOT making Jolie wear goddamn gloves in every scene? Oh, skeletor hands and arms? Got it.
4. While I'm at it, what's with the long dresses and high heels, poor thing can barely walk? Oh, skeletor legs as well? Ok, that's a legit explanation.
5. Wait, wait...she was supposed to be some sort of a femme fatale in this movie. Too thin? Too unappealing? Too stick-like? No expressions when acting? No feelings whatsoever? See - tell you what, who the hell decided to cast her in this role, for crying outloud?!
6. Johnny was, clearly, bored to death while shooting this, you can tell.
7. Nice way of covering all her tattoos, kudos to that! Overdoing it with the mascara, eyeliner, lipstick even when she's sleeping but when you take into the account no3, 4 and 5, you completely understand why.
8. Spoiler! Five minutes into the movie, you know that Johnny is not Frank, the math teacher. Suspense? None! Minus 5, actually.
9. Paul Bettany, you disappoint me. Timothy Dalton - stop making movies. This is your second one in a row that sucked. It is hard to forget The Ghost Writer...that is, until this one.
10. How about some fucking timetable/trains research? Johnny and Angie enter the train in Paris at 8:22 am and they reach Venice when? In two hours? Apparently, a day anywhere between Paris and Venice (which would be Germany and Austria) lasts somewhere between 30 and 35 hours. Way to go, deepshits!
11. Anything that stars Jolie should not be watched, especially if she's doing the British accent.
I could go on and on, but let's nip this in the bud: 4 out of 10.
